I'm Gone

“I’m gone”

“Can you see me now Mama, can you touch me? Can you see how nice my lips are? It was perfectly like yours, the eye lashes I get from Papa they are perfectly fitted to mine. Can you see how nice my hair will grows, this probably one of the best reasons why boys will chase after me. Can you hear how I say thanks from both of you Mama and Papa for having I? Can you see these tears running from my eyes for excitement I felt to see what’s outside of thy womb? Can you know all of this? All this awesome things, the blood that should be running to these veins, the pink flesh, the dainty feet, the smooth hands, the perfect smile, the wonderful kid you will ever raise for? How can you see this when I’m gone?

I still feel the pain, the drugs you injected that surely kills the blood in my veins, and I still feel the sharp tingle of needle tearing my flesh. The entire pain you brought! All of these you should be known for. But can you see what you did; you chose to be happy without me? You chose whatever it is, before me. But how can I say all of this, how can you realized what you did when I’m gone?

Mama do you love me? Why you did that? Won’t you be happy to hear my first cry, won’t you be proud when you first touch my little soft hands, and won’t you be happy if I smile back at you when you talk to me for the first time? Won’t you be happy to hear me say my first word “Mama”? Won’t you be happy having me? Yah, now I know you won’t be happy because you already forbidden me to experience all of it; the world, the love, and the life.

You forbidden my life, you forbidden me to breathe, you forbidden me to laugh, you forbidden me to be a kid, and you forbidden me live a life with you. You only allow me to die in pain, to cry without you hearing it, to think that I’m no worth, to realize that you can’t even fight for me. Yes I missed the chances to prove how lucky I am to have you; but you chose the chance not to prove that you and Papa would be lucky enough to have me.

Can you still remember all thy ways and methods you did? All of those stuff you prefer to use, all the don’ts you still did, all the warnings but you won’t able to listen, all thy diagnosis, treatment, what so ever drugs you just drunk for me to die? You’re too brave to lose me. You’re too numb to not to think what should I feel. You’re no reckless Mama, you’re just too selfish! Selfish enough that you probably killed your own flesh and blood and you’re too selfish to abort me.

Now Mama I’m one of a million babies that was not lucky to feel your loving touch and kiss. I’m one of those babies that won’t be able to experience unconditional love, because in the first place you don’t have the unconditional love because you already chose to abort me.

Yes, I’m gone and Mama it seems nothing happens to you. Why? I don’t even understand. I will never going to understand this how and why. It’s hard to accept but it’s too late I can’t even change your mind for what you did. All I can do is to watch you and Papa all over this time. Somehow I dreamt about is that you remember me, yes you can conceal me from other people but please I wanted to be not concealed with your hearts as your child.

Mama there’s one thing I wanted you to do, just one favor. Please let my brother and sister live, don’t forbid them what you forbidden me. I wanted them to be what I dreamt before in thy womb, I wanted them to enjoy and experience not the same way I do. I wanted them to feel the air, and to breathe. Mama I wanted you to give birth again and never do abortion again to my future sister and brother. I think it’s the only way I can wish for you and I think it’s the best way to heal my aching heart. It’s the only way I always wanted to let them live, I want to see myself to my future siblings, how they live the life you never give to me.

All of this was just in my head. Now that I’m gone I can’t even say a word to left with a heartless woman who did this to me. I’m gone and it will last forever. I’m gone and you’re the mastermind. I’m gone and this is another story to be ignored by anyone who’s dead, dead not to accept the truth, dead not to hear the cry of unborn babies and dead not to make a change.    ”